fEELiNgs
hi...
feeling sad but i've to b strong for my kids dat r still young. dey r innocent, but i guess dey n0es wat their mum feelin was. full of questions marks doe.. y did he do it? am i not dat pretty anymore? am i too reserved?
haaaiz... i've to stay strong... but until when shud i fEEL diz wAy. i dUn desErvE diS. i suPPort hiM whiLe hE wAs bRokE, Lost hiS coNfidEnCe, maKe hiM aCCept hIs reAL mUm, tRy eVery wAys tO chaNge hIs tEmpER, saCrifiCe mY bOnd wiF mUm & mY sibLingS, f0rgiVe & f0rGet, bEar hiM kiDs, bE a fuLL tiMe hOuSewiFe etc etc... wAt eLse dO i LaCk???
i wISh i hAf d aNswErs...
maNy aSked mE, "y d heLL u stILL wiF him wEn u g0ttA n0e dAt hE hAf aN0thEr gAL?"...
"he'S iN pris0n, it'S eaSiEr tO gEt a divOrCe"... i still reMemBer dAt..
dAts d fIrst pAinfuL mOmEnts i hAd tO gO thRu.. fuLL Of em0ti0Nz.
hE wAs hAndcUff iN frOnt oF me & waWan... whiLe hE wAs brOugHt tO dEteNtiOn baRRackS, i wAs bUsy paCking oUr stUffs & cLotHes. thOt it'LL b muCh eAsiEr LiviNg wiF mUm & siBLinGs. whiLe i wAs pACkinG his bAg dAt hE aLwAys bRouGht tO wOrk, i wAs shOckEd tO c sOmetHing dAt i'm nOt hOpe tO c.
iT wAs a LettEr fOr him. iT cONtEnt wAs a poEm, fuLL oF LovE. wHen i reAd, i stArtEd tO cRy. i wIsh i coULd wRiTe dAt bEautiFUL LOve pOem. indEEd, i wAs cRush......
bUt i kEpt iT tO mYseLf. i wEnt tO hIs cOurt cAsEs, hE wAs pRisOneD fOr a yEAr. i wEnT tO eVerY pRisOn viSiT & repLieD baCk eVery LeTTer hE sEnt bUt stiLL i didN't aSk hiM aBOut d LettEr.. fOr fEar hE'll feeL stRess iNsiDe dEr. i stiLL wAnt tO nOe....
i rEacHed hIs moBiLe fOne, fOunD a nAMe "saYanG" & diAL. sHe hAs a swEEt vOiCe dAt i uSed tO hAf. hEr reAL nAMe mAtChEd tO d LOve LeTTer. wE mEt, iNtRodUce mYseLf. sHe wAs sHock. sHe tOLd mE eVerYtHing.. i cRiEd toTaLLy cRiEd wHen i heArD sHe sAid," hE gAvE diS wAtCh tO mE." i rEacHed d watCh sHe wAs hoLdiNg.. OH MY GOD!!!! it wAs mY weDDiNg wAtcH... nO wOndEr iT wAs miSSiNg. iT wAs wiF hEr aLL d tiMe. i didN't toLd hEr iT wAs miNe.... nOw i nOe iN hIs hEarT dEr wAs nO mE & wAwAn..
bACk hOme, i wAs stiLL cryiNg. hUg my bAbY... mUm & siBLingS nOe dEr wAs sOmetHing wrOng. i toLd'Em.. d nXt dAy, fiNd mYseLf a jOb... i kEEp On hAviNg oVertIme, sPeNd aLot oF tiMe wiF my bAbY, mUm & siBLingS, taUght mYseLf niTe LiFe & sMokiNg (bUt i quiT smOking d vEry nxt dAy, mY mUm dUn LikE iT) & mAkE mOrE fRiEndS jUz tO fOrgEt hIm...
i stiLL rEad hiS LeTTerS bUt nEVer repLieD aNy Of iT.
uNtiL One dAy, i FoUnd sOmEoNe wHo rEALLy aPPReciAtE mE... hE cAre fOr mE & wAwAn. hE diDN't eVen cAre D goSSipS gOing aROUnd dAt hE's gOinG oUt wIf a maRRiEd wOmAn.. nEvEr fAiLed hE gAvE uS poCkEt mONEy & hE nEVer asKed aNytHing In rEtuRn. hE neVer fOrCe mE tO aSk diVorCe frOm my hUbby cOz hE kNew iN my heArt dErs stiLL LOve fOr my huBBy.
my hUbby reLeaSed oN d sEcONd dAy oF hARi rAyA. i didN't fEtChEd cOz i nOe dAt gErL wILL. i jUz wAnT tHeM tO b haPPy. i mAde uP d dECisiOn tO bE wiF d oTher guy cOz i nOe he'LL b waiTing. i hAd enOUgh ruNNing aWay frOm mY pRobLemS dAts y dEcidEd tO tRasH thIngS oUt wHen hE pLeaD tO mEEt mE...
wE mEt, @ d pLaCe wE uSed tO hAngOut... i aSked hiM, aLOt hE deniEd.... hE saiD shE wAs hiS fRen'S gERL & d waTch wAs meAnt fOr hEr biRThdAy pResEnt sinCe hE'S gettiNg nEw watCh fOr mE. i cRiEd, i duNNo y i gEt diS feeLing hE wAs LyiNg... tOLd hiM," i sAw u kiSSing hEr moUth tO mOuth b4 i cAmE hEre, is dAt a fRen tO u? i gOt tO noE diS gUy wHO i nEver Let hiM hUg Or kiSS me. bUt i nOe hE reLi waNts dAt, to shOw dAt hE reLi LovE mE. i stILL Love U & dUn waNt tO LoSe u bUt u mAde chAnGe mY miNd. i dUn tHink u eVen remEmbEr mE & wAwAn whEn u dO dAt fReNch kiSS tO hEr. aNywaY jUz wAiT fOr oUr diVoRce pApEr" aNd waLkEd aWay witHoUt LookiNg bACk...
hE tRiEd tO fiNd mE @ hOme wHiLe i wAs wOrkiNg... hE tRiEd tO fiNd oUt frOm hIs aUntiE, whOm i aLwayS cLoSe tO. i deCidEd tO gIvE hiM mY nEW nUmbEr. hE kOL tO sAy hE wANNa mEEt wAwAn. i Let hiM mEEt wAwAn. aftEraLL dAts hiS sOn. wAwAn reCognISe him. hE hUg hiM, bUy hiM tOys tiLL oNe dAy mE & my nEw gUy cOmE faCe-tO-fAce wiF mY huBBy. hE wAs shoCk. mAybE i guEss dAt hE dUn bELieVe diS gUy reLi exISt, hE jUz heArd rUmoUrs abOut mE & him frOm hiS auNtiE. aLL oF suDDen, he tuRnEd rEd & gOt aNgRy.. saYing vuLgAr lANguAgE bUt wE stOOd dEr caLmLy cOz wE nOe diS dAy wiLL cOme. fiNaLLy hE stoPPed, fOr d fiRSt timE i hUggEd mY gUy & saiD gOOdbye & thAnks fOr taKIng cAre oF mE & waWan..
LeFt uS.. i hoLd mY huBBy hAndS iN hAndS dRag him tO a quiEtEr pLaCe. i tOLd hiM dAt dUn bE likE diS cOs i sTiLL waNNa bE wiF hiM cOz wAwAn stiLL nEEDs hiS fAthEr. i dUN waNt hiM tO bE fatHerLess, fAr aWaY fROm hiM & i stiLL kEPt hiS proMiSe tO taKe cAre Of hIs oWn kiDs cOz hE dUN waNt hiS kiDs tO bE liKe hiM. sO d vERy nEXT dAy wE wENt datiNg aGaiN.. fOr a yEar, wE gO thRu tHick & tHin aGain... wE wAiT patiEntLy fOr oUr reNt hOusE cOz i knEw hE wOn't hAf enOuGh mOnEy tO bUy a fLat.
feeling sad but i've to b strong for my kids dat r still young. dey r innocent, but i guess dey n0es wat their mum feelin was. full of questions marks doe.. y did he do it? am i not dat pretty anymore? am i too reserved?
haaaiz... i've to stay strong... but until when shud i fEEL diz wAy. i dUn desErvE diS. i suPPort hiM whiLe hE wAs bRokE, Lost hiS coNfidEnCe, maKe hiM aCCept hIs reAL mUm, tRy eVery wAys tO chaNge hIs tEmpER, saCrifiCe mY bOnd wiF mUm & mY sibLingS, f0rgiVe & f0rGet, bEar hiM kiDs, bE a fuLL tiMe hOuSewiFe etc etc... wAt eLse dO i LaCk???
i wISh i hAf d aNswErs...
maNy aSked mE, "y d heLL u stILL wiF him wEn u g0ttA n0e dAt hE hAf aN0thEr gAL?"...
"he'S iN pris0n, it'S eaSiEr tO gEt a divOrCe"... i still reMemBer dAt..
dAts d fIrst pAinfuL mOmEnts i hAd tO gO thRu.. fuLL Of em0ti0Nz.
hE wAs hAndcUff iN frOnt oF me & waWan... whiLe hE wAs brOugHt tO dEteNtiOn baRRackS, i wAs bUsy paCking oUr stUffs & cLotHes. thOt it'LL b muCh eAsiEr LiviNg wiF mUm & siBLinGs. whiLe i wAs pACkinG his bAg dAt hE aLwAys bRouGht tO wOrk, i wAs shOckEd tO c sOmetHing dAt i'm nOt hOpe tO c.
iT wAs a LettEr fOr him. iT cONtEnt wAs a poEm, fuLL oF LovE. wHen i reAd, i stArtEd tO cRy. i wIsh i coULd wRiTe dAt bEautiFUL LOve pOem. indEEd, i wAs cRush......
bUt i kEpt iT tO mYseLf. i wEnt tO hIs cOurt cAsEs, hE wAs pRisOneD fOr a yEAr. i wEnT tO eVerY pRisOn viSiT & repLieD baCk eVery LeTTer hE sEnt bUt stiLL i didN't aSk hiM aBOut d LettEr.. fOr fEar hE'll feeL stRess iNsiDe dEr. i stiLL wAnt tO nOe....
i rEacHed hIs moBiLe fOne, fOunD a nAMe "saYanG" & diAL. sHe hAs a swEEt vOiCe dAt i uSed tO hAf. hEr reAL nAMe mAtChEd tO d LOve LeTTer. wE mEt, iNtRodUce mYseLf. sHe wAs sHock. sHe tOLd mE eVerYtHing.. i cRiEd toTaLLy cRiEd wHen i heArD sHe sAid," hE gAvE diS wAtCh tO mE." i rEacHed d watCh sHe wAs hoLdiNg.. OH MY GOD!!!! it wAs mY weDDiNg wAtcH... nO wOndEr iT wAs miSSiNg. iT wAs wiF hEr aLL d tiMe. i didN't toLd hEr iT wAs miNe.... nOw i nOe iN hIs hEarT dEr wAs nO mE & wAwAn..
bACk hOme, i wAs stiLL cryiNg. hUg my bAbY... mUm & siBLingS nOe dEr wAs sOmetHing wrOng. i toLd'Em.. d nXt dAy, fiNd mYseLf a jOb... i kEEp On hAviNg oVertIme, sPeNd aLot oF tiMe wiF my bAbY, mUm & siBLingS, taUght mYseLf niTe LiFe & sMokiNg (bUt i quiT smOking d vEry nxt dAy, mY mUm dUn LikE iT) & mAkE mOrE fRiEndS jUz tO fOrgEt hIm...
i stiLL rEad hiS LeTTerS bUt nEVer repLieD aNy Of iT.
uNtiL One dAy, i FoUnd sOmEoNe wHo rEALLy aPPReciAtE mE... hE cAre fOr mE & wAwAn. hE diDN't eVen cAre D goSSipS gOing aROUnd dAt hE's gOinG oUt wIf a maRRiEd wOmAn.. nEvEr fAiLed hE gAvE uS poCkEt mONEy & hE nEVer asKed aNytHing In rEtuRn. hE neVer fOrCe mE tO aSk diVorCe frOm my hUbby cOz hE kNew iN my heArt dErs stiLL LOve fOr my huBBy.
my hUbby reLeaSed oN d sEcONd dAy oF hARi rAyA. i didN't fEtChEd cOz i nOe dAt gErL wILL. i jUz wAnT tHeM tO b haPPy. i mAde uP d dECisiOn tO bE wiF d oTher guy cOz i nOe he'LL b waiTing. i hAd enOUgh ruNNing aWay frOm mY pRobLemS dAts y dEcidEd tO tRasH thIngS oUt wHen hE pLeaD tO mEEt mE...
wE mEt, @ d pLaCe wE uSed tO hAngOut... i aSked hiM, aLOt hE deniEd.... hE saiD shE wAs hiS fRen'S gERL & d waTch wAs meAnt fOr hEr biRThdAy pResEnt sinCe hE'S gettiNg nEw watCh fOr mE. i cRiEd, i duNNo y i gEt diS feeLing hE wAs LyiNg... tOLd hiM," i sAw u kiSSing hEr moUth tO mOuth b4 i cAmE hEre, is dAt a fRen tO u? i gOt tO noE diS gUy wHO i nEver Let hiM hUg Or kiSS me. bUt i nOe hE reLi waNts dAt, to shOw dAt hE reLi LovE mE. i stILL Love U & dUn waNt tO LoSe u bUt u mAde chAnGe mY miNd. i dUn tHink u eVen remEmbEr mE & wAwAn whEn u dO dAt fReNch kiSS tO hEr. aNywaY jUz wAiT fOr oUr diVoRce pApEr" aNd waLkEd aWay witHoUt LookiNg bACk...
hE tRiEd tO fiNd mE @ hOme wHiLe i wAs wOrkiNg... hE tRiEd tO fiNd oUt frOm hIs aUntiE, whOm i aLwayS cLoSe tO. i deCidEd tO gIvE hiM mY nEW nUmbEr. hE kOL tO sAy hE wANNa mEEt wAwAn. i Let hiM mEEt wAwAn. aftEraLL dAts hiS sOn. wAwAn reCognISe him. hE hUg hiM, bUy hiM tOys tiLL oNe dAy mE & my nEw gUy cOmE faCe-tO-fAce wiF mY huBBy. hE wAs shoCk. mAybE i guEss dAt hE dUn bELieVe diS gUy reLi exISt, hE jUz heArd rUmoUrs abOut mE & him frOm hiS auNtiE. aLL oF suDDen, he tuRnEd rEd & gOt aNgRy.. saYing vuLgAr lANguAgE bUt wE stOOd dEr caLmLy cOz wE nOe diS dAy wiLL cOme. fiNaLLy hE stoPPed, fOr d fiRSt timE i hUggEd mY gUy & saiD gOOdbye & thAnks fOr taKIng cAre oF mE & waWan..
LeFt uS.. i hoLd mY huBBy hAndS iN hAndS dRag him tO a quiEtEr pLaCe. i tOLd hiM dAt dUn bE likE diS cOs i sTiLL waNNa bE wiF hiM cOz wAwAn stiLL nEEDs hiS fAthEr. i dUN waNt hiM tO bE fatHerLess, fAr aWaY fROm hiM & i stiLL kEPt hiS proMiSe tO taKe cAre Of hIs oWn kiDs cOz hE dUN waNt hiS kiDs tO bE liKe hiM. sO d vERy nEXT dAy wE wENt datiNg aGaiN.. fOr a yEar, wE gO thRu tHick & tHin aGain... wE wAiT patiEntLy fOr oUr reNt hOusE cOz i knEw hE wOn't hAf enOuGh mOnEy tO bUy a fLat.
posted by 
at 9:06 AM
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